24. He will cover you with His feathers...

On April 17th I was admitted to the ER for pregnancy complications and the diagnosis was unclear.  We found out I am RH negative but that it hadn't affected the baby and that my uterus is retroverted (flipped upside down) but again that shouldn't alter the pregnancy. The baby was measuring small and the doctor was concerned. We were scheduled to come back the next day. This was during Holy Week and my devotion on Thursday talked about Jesus pleading with God in the garden of Gethsemane, I was pleading as well for God to spare my little one but tried as Christ did to say "Abba, Father, all things are possible for you. Remove this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will." (Mark 14:36)...I wasn't too successful in praying that prayer. I didn't care what God had planned, he couldn't, wouldn't, shouldn't take my baby from me.

 

On the 18th we were informed that the baby may have stopped growing. They gave our little one a 50% chance of survival. I mourned the loss of our child that Friday (Good Friday) and somehow knew in my heart it was over. I painted that afternoon a small watercolor sketch from my first ultrasound picture.  The scripture surrounding it is the scripture that had been on our wall the month prior. "Behold, I am doing a NEW THING, now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and a river in the desert." Isaiah 43:19. The yellow circle is my uterus, the blue is the gestational sack, and the little white pure dot of life is our baby.

 

This painting was done from our first ultrasound picture at the Korean Good News Hospital. I love how they spelled my name "AE SYUL RI"

 

 

My understanding of Good Friday deepened  as I read in my devotional about God willingly giving his Son to die on the cross as I was pleading with God to keep my child. We read to our baby that night about heaven from the Jesus Storybook Bible and tried to cherish being parents for as long as we could. I had purchased that book for the families of our church in Tucson and had always awaited the day when I would get to read it to my own child.   We clung to each passing moment as if it was our last time as a family together...and it was. As Patrick says, it was the saddest day of his life,
and I agree.

 

 

 

Late on Resurrection Sunday I began to miscarry and found some comfort in thinking that my baby must have wanted to be awesome like Jesus and rise up to heaven on the same day.
 

On Wednesday, April 23rd, I was rushed to the ER by ambulance as I began to lose consciousness and was in excruciating pain. It was scary but I was glad to have Patrick there as well as my good friend Alex (who had come to walk Remy and got a lot more than she signed up for). The only highlights of this day were watching Patrick yell at the teenagers in our tower lobby to quite staring (we always want to yell at those teens and finally had a justified moment to do so) and the lovely lavender oil hand rub Alex gave me. Her Doula skills were a blessing. We lost the baby at the hospital  that Wednesday night, I was eight weeks pregnant.

 

On Friday, Aprill 25th I was admitted to the ER again. This time we got there before an ambulance ride was necessary but my pain level was escalating quickly. The doctors said my body underwent more trauma than is normal for a miscarriage and my gallbladder, stomach lining, and uterus were not responding well. They almost admitted me for emergency gallbladder removal surgery but decided to let me wait until the next day to consult with the surgeon at a more reasonable hour.
 It was 4 a.m. when we finally headed home.

 

The scripture on our wall during the  month of April (which I chose back in February) was
 "He will cover you with his feathers and under his wings you will find refuge." Psalm 91:4 

We are still holding onto that promise.

  

 

 

During this loss my respect for Patrick grew stronger than I knew it could! He is an incredible husband. He was in charge of planning and executing a three week trip for his squadron to the Philippines and he was scheduled to leave just two days after my 3rd ER visit. He made the choice to stay with me and grieve together.  He had worked on that trip for months and he knew it wouldn't go as well if he wasn't there to help work out the kinks.  I was so impressed with how he cared for me during those weeks and sacrificed his work.  I had some good days and some bad but he was right there with me for all of it.  He made the grieving process so much easier and it was really nice to have him around for Mother's Day.

 

We will continue to grieve the loss of our first baby and will forever wonder what they would have been like. We look forward to meeting them one day. We are grateful for the support we have received from flowers and meals to loving phone calls.

 

 

This is my new favorite spot for quiet time, my cozy rocking chair by the window. Loved reading here with my pretty flowers.