24. He will cover you with His feathers...

On April 17th I was admitted to the ER for pregnancy complications and the diagnosis was unclear.  We found out I am RH negative but that it hadn't affected the baby and that my uterus is retroverted (flipped upside down) but again that shouldn't alter the pregnancy. The baby was measuring small and the doctor was concerned. We were scheduled to come back the next day. This was during Holy Week and my devotion on Thursday talked about Jesus pleading with God in the garden of Gethsemane, I was pleading as well for God to spare my little one but tried as Christ did to say "Abba, Father, all things are possible for you. Remove this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will." (Mark 14:36)...I wasn't too successful in praying that prayer. I didn't care what God had planned, he couldn't, wouldn't, shouldn't take my baby from me.

 

On the 18th we were informed that the baby may have stopped growing. They gave our little one a 50% chance of survival. I mourned the loss of our child that Friday (Good Friday) and somehow knew in my heart it was over. I painted that afternoon a small watercolor sketch from my first ultrasound picture.  The scripture surrounding it is the scripture that had been on our wall the month prior. "Behold, I am doing a NEW THING, now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and a river in the desert." Isaiah 43:19. The yellow circle is my uterus, the blue is the gestational sack, and the little white pure dot of life is our baby.

 

This painting was done from our first ultrasound picture at the Korean Good News Hospital. I love how they spelled my name "AE SYUL RI"

 

 

My understanding of Good Friday deepened  as I read in my devotional about God willingly giving his Son to die on the cross as I was pleading with God to keep my child. We read to our baby that night about heaven from the Jesus Storybook Bible and tried to cherish being parents for as long as we could. I had purchased that book for the families of our church in Tucson and had always awaited the day when I would get to read it to my own child.   We clung to each passing moment as if it was our last time as a family together...and it was. As Patrick says, it was the saddest day of his life,
and I agree.

 

 

 

Late on Resurrection Sunday I began to miscarry and found some comfort in thinking that my baby must have wanted to be awesome like Jesus and rise up to heaven on the same day.
 

On Wednesday, April 23rd, I was rushed to the ER by ambulance as I began to lose consciousness and was in excruciating pain. It was scary but I was glad to have Patrick there as well as my good friend Alex (who had come to walk Remy and got a lot more than she signed up for). The only highlights of this day were watching Patrick yell at the teenagers in our tower lobby to quite staring (we always want to yell at those teens and finally had a justified moment to do so) and the lovely lavender oil hand rub Alex gave me. Her Doula skills were a blessing. We lost the baby at the hospital  that Wednesday night, I was eight weeks pregnant.

 

On Friday, Aprill 25th I was admitted to the ER again. This time we got there before an ambulance ride was necessary but my pain level was escalating quickly. The doctors said my body underwent more trauma than is normal for a miscarriage and my gallbladder, stomach lining, and uterus were not responding well. They almost admitted me for emergency gallbladder removal surgery but decided to let me wait until the next day to consult with the surgeon at a more reasonable hour.
 It was 4 a.m. when we finally headed home.

 

The scripture on our wall during the  month of April (which I chose back in February) was
 "He will cover you with his feathers and under his wings you will find refuge." Psalm 91:4 

We are still holding onto that promise.

  

 

 

During this loss my respect for Patrick grew stronger than I knew it could! He is an incredible husband. He was in charge of planning and executing a three week trip for his squadron to the Philippines and he was scheduled to leave just two days after my 3rd ER visit. He made the choice to stay with me and grieve together.  He had worked on that trip for months and he knew it wouldn't go as well if he wasn't there to help work out the kinks.  I was so impressed with how he cared for me during those weeks and sacrificed his work.  I had some good days and some bad but he was right there with me for all of it.  He made the grieving process so much easier and it was really nice to have him around for Mother's Day.

 

We will continue to grieve the loss of our first baby and will forever wonder what they would have been like. We look forward to meeting them one day. We are grateful for the support we have received from flowers and meals to loving phone calls.

 

 

This is my new favorite spot for quiet time, my cozy rocking chair by the window. Loved reading here with my pretty flowers.

 

23. Expecting Joy

 

I had never really longed for pregnancy. There. I said it.

I want children, a whole house full of them, but the idea of pregnancy and all the pain and body changes that goes along with it just wasn't on my bucket list.  Adoption has been on my heart for as long as I can remember.  When people talked about the joy of pregnancy I didn't quite understand what all the fuss was about. But now, I get it.

There was something magical about knowing life was growing in me.  My body was a safe haven for a new little person that was part of both Patrick and I. I'm convinced it is the hormones that trick your brain in pregnancy to thinking it is awesome. I felt superhuman and it didn't matter that I needed to nap at least once a day to survive, had the bladder of a three year old, or  that my pants were

 a bit too tight.
 

I loved the way I was finally excepted into the mommy club as well.  We didn't tell many people because the pregnancy was so new but those who did know were quick to tell me about all the latest and greatest baby gadgets and parenting techniques. We now shared the common bond of motherhood and I felt closer to most of my girlfriends than I ever had before. I was no longer the girl with the broken body that couldn't fathom how difficult pregnancy and motherhood is...I was in.

Patrick and I felt closer than ever too. We loved to talk about our little one and imagine how our lives would be changing in the coming months.  I had talked about (freaked out about) not having our first child before my 30th birthday in March.  But this baby was conceived before then so I WAS a mom before I was 30. For some reason that was a stupid big deal. All the stress and pressure we had felt surrounding when our family would expand was gone.

The first three weeks of April our spirits was soaring high,  We were "expecting" joy. 

 

We had planned to put how far along I was in the frame. This was just a preliminary photo but one of the only ones I have to remember this sweet time.

 

Baby Chapman at 6 weeks, hard to see here.

The cherry blossom trees were also blooming all around our home. Everything was
alive and beautiful.

 

 

 

22. Visiting Good News Hospital

Only three days after we found out that we were expecting we had our scheduled meeting with Mrs. Lee at her brother's hospital, ironically called Good News Hospital. We hoped this place would bring us good news. The day before our meeting I was informed that she had actually set up two meetings for us.  One with her brother to talk about making an adoption connection and one with an infertility specialist.  We figured that meeting would get awkward real quick if they decided to do any testing and discovered I was pregnant.  We vowed to be forthright and honest throughout this whole process so we called Mrs. Lee to let her know our good news.  We told her that we are confident that the Lord has led us to adopt and we do not want to stop pursuing that option.  We also told her our fear of miscarriage because it had taken four  years to get pregnant.  I wasn't confident in those first days that the pregnancy would last.

Throughout our lunch and hospital visit Mrs. Lee avoided answering any questions about adoption.  She continued to celebrate our first biological child.  She gave me all of the Korean grandmotherly advice on how to protect myself and the baby.  Which included:

-Only wearing heels that are 2-5cm in height

-Not traveling more than 30 minutes from your home

-Having someone else care for your pet

-Not carrying your purse, that is what husbands are for

-Resting all day and taking many naps ( I like this bit of advice since that is all I felt like doing)

-Not wearing tight fitting clothing

-Drinking lots of water

So basically, I was to act like a spoiled/weak princess in every way possible.  Ironically, at the end of lunch she ordered a bottle of wine for us to toast with and encouraged me to drink it. Oh, Korean culture boggles my mind at times. Here's a picture of us at lunch:

 

Mrs. Lee, John the translator, and Patrick and I

We got a special treat while we were there, they decided to give me an ultrasound so we could see our little one for the first time. I'll spare you the details but the Koreans run their practice is how I imagine having babies in America in the 1940's must have been. Patrick wasn't aloud anywhere near me because he's a boy and that would be shameful. They let him come look at the ultrasound pictures after and I just love this first picture of Daddy and baby.

This is us at the hospital:

 

And these are the precious Korean babies that had just been born:

Mrs. Lee continued to push aside our questions about the adoption process and meeting with her brother.  When we met him he only spoke about the ultrasound picture. By the end of the day I was fed up with focusing on our biological child. Don't misunderstand, I was happy God had given us this life but we had also been working/praying for an adoption connection for many months and meeting her brother seemed like it might finally be happening. Why was she getting in the way of such an  amazing opportunity? A child that would otherwise go into the orphanage system could come and be loved for life in a family that desires them,  and in my eyes she was stopping that.  I asked our translator to ask her one more time about her brothers plan to help us adopt.

She bluntly told us that we should be grateful that God has given us a biological child because it is "better." She assured us that we would be able to "love this child more because they are our own."  I don't know that she could have said more hurtful words. I fought back the tears and rage.  I told her that our adopted child WILL be "our own."  We will love them just as we would a biological child, there is no difference in our hearts. She then went on to talk about how I need to take care of myself (be a spoiled princess) right now and having a second baby would just isn't physically possible.  My bones would literally break if I move within three months of childbirth so adoption just can't happen. We have learned since this meeting that twins don't occur frequently in Asian cultures and they really do put new mother's on bed rest for the first three months. If women can afford it or have any social status they stay at the hospital in a mother's area and the staff helps take care of their baby while they recover.  Sounds lovely to me!

So our biggest private adoption connection to date fell through but we tried to continue finding joy in our newest addition.  We didn't want to let this hiccup squelch our gratitude and joy for what we HAD been given. :)

 

21. Behold, I am doing New Things...

The opening of Mrs. Lee's brother's hospital, "Good News Hospital" (how fitting), was pushed back to April 1st, 2014  Patrick and I were thrilled to meet with a doctor that actually had/has connections with young mothers that are wanting/needing to give up their babies. We scheduled to meet him with Mrs. Lee and her friend/translator John on Friday, April 4th.

On Tuesday, April 1st, I was driving home from work and thinking about my parents birthdays (they are a day apart!).  I was looking forward to calling them and singing the cheesy but all too necessary Happy Birthday song.  I decided to stop in and grab a pregnancy test on my way home since that would be too good a birthday gift to not share.  I had been feeling a bit nauseous but I've been thinking I'm pregnant every month for the last four years so I knew it would be negative. My mom and I try to call each other every year at the exact time we were born.  I was born at 7:17 am and she was born at 7:15am.  It is always a lovely way to start a birthday! So, at 10:10pm South Korea time I freaked out and realized I hadn't taken the test yet and only had five minutes left before we needed to call.  I ran in the other room to check and the test turned up positive right away.  I didn't believe it, I had done this so many times before.  I walked to Patrick with a blank stare and handed him the test hoping he would show me how to appropriately act in this situation.  He smiled and said, "REALLY? Awesome!" I wish I could say I had warm fuzzy feelings but I was really just in shock.

 

Our first reaction faces:

 

 

 We grabbed the phone and called my mom as we were out of time now! We sang Happy Birthday dear Grandma and both cried.  This was a surreal moment.  I was beginning to take it in the same time my mom was.  She asked me when the due date was and I hadn't even had five minutes to figure that out.  She pulled out her calendar and we figured this would be a Thanksgiving baby.  What a little turkey sneaking into our lives and turning our world upside down!

We were then able to share with Patty, Patrick's mom and play a great April fools joke on her. We then got to call my Dad and Gina and sing Happy Birthday dear Grandpa! We were able to skype with Patrick's dad as well. It was a joyous time spreading the news one by one to our parents. We were nervous, we were shocked, but we were happy.

There is an 8x10 frame outside our front door that I rotate scripture art in each month. The scripture that welcomed me home each day in March was Isaiah 43:19 "Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." 

 

 

 

and the three little blue birdies I had in our wreath. We became a family of three and didn't even know it!

 

 

 

When I look back at that scripture I am awestruck that God created a new life in me... within MY broken body! In a place that I had considered a desert, He set a river of life. And I certainly didn't perceive it!